


Breathe with me

by Julieseven



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Comfort, Coming Out, M/M, Soft Boys, Transgender, tender moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 00:52:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18487930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julieseven/pseuds/Julieseven
Summary: I know we're at least a week away from some soothing moments, but I just couldn't leave it ... so I wrote a continuation of their date last week...





	Breathe with me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Twinklylightseverywhere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twinklylightseverywhere/gifts).



> I want to give a big shoutout to the two wonderful men who looked over this work to make sure it's neither triggering nor inaccurate, Theo and Noah! Theo, you just contacted me after my desperate appeal on Tumblr and agreed to read this piece, and I am very very grateful! THANK YOU.
> 
> And Noah .. OMG NOAH, will I EVER be able to find words big enough to describe what you mean to me? Probably not, but I CAN dedicate this little piece to you. Because you deserve NOTHING but LOVE wherever you go, and because you have taught me so much and keep on doing so! You are a wonderful young man who makes the world a better place with your soul, your heart, your entire being! Never stop being the exact person you are, no excuses, no holding back, you hear me?! You deserve to live your best life, no ifs, ands or buts!

Matteo can tell something’s off.

 

He doesn’t know why, but he also knows it’s not a good idea to ask David. They’ve been strolling around the city for what feels like hours, and although David laughs at all of Matteo’s dumb jokes and even takes his hand on a few occasions, it’s obvious that he’s holding back.

 

Matteo tries not to think about it, but he fears it has something to do with him breaking up with Sarah. David didn’t react the way Matteo expected him to, which is … okay, Matteo guesses, but it still worries him. What if David doesn’t want whatever it is they have? What if Matteo is somehow pressuring him or making him feel uncomfortable?

 

Since he himself knows all too well what it’s like when everyone wants things from him he can’t or doesn’t want to give, Matteo does his best to give David the space he needs. But when they somehow arrive back at Matteo’s building and David refuses when Matteo asks if he wants to come up, Matteo decides to try and take a chance.

 

He looks around before grabbing David’s hand and pulling him behind the letterboxes, hidden from view in case someone comes by. David chuckles nervously, but when Matteo cups David’s cheeks with his hands, David doesn’t move away. Slowly and carefully, Matteo leans in to slot their lips together, closing his eyes. His heart is beating hard and fast, and when he feels David’s arms coil around his waist, Matteo feels himself melt inside. Sighing softly, he wraps one arm around David’s shoulders, kissing him again and again, every touch of their lips sending jolts of electricity through his entire body. He doesn’t even notice his other hand sliding down onto David’s chest, until David breaks the kiss and pushes him away.

 

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Matteo murmurs instantly, searching David’s face for an explanation. He thought David wanted to kiss him too. But the expression on David’s face is so familiar to Matteo it almost takes his breath away. David’s eyes are wide open and his breathing is shallow. He’s suddenly pale and when he leans his back against the letterboxes, Matteo knows exactly what’s going on.

 

David is panicking. Matteo has no idea why but he knows that doesn’t matter. He takes a step back and puts out his hands in front of him, waiting for David to look into his eyes before speaking.

 

“I won’t touch you, it’s okay. I’m sorry if I went too far, that’s not what I wanted.” Matteo makes an effort to speak calmly, although his heart is beating even more frantically than before- albeit for a completely different reason.

 

David can’t speak, but he nods curtly before looking down at his feet.

 

“Uh, I’m … “ Matteo searches for words, trying to remember what he himself does every time he feels the way he presumes David is feeling right now. “It helps me to do this,” he says eventually, crossing his arms in front of his chest to hug himself.

 

David just shakes his head and Matteo remembers that David pushed him off when he touched his chest, so of course that trick isn’t going to work. “Uh, right, sorry,” he says then, running a hand through his hair.

 

“Maybe, close your eyes, try to shut out everything. You can have my headphones to like, numb the noises?”

 

Matteo makes sure to speak softly, not wanting to freak David out even more. For a long moment, David just looks at him, his eyes still wide open in panic. But then he gives a tiny nod, and Matteo smiles at him, removing his headphones from around his neck and holding them out to David.

 

David’s hands are shaking but he manages to cover his ears with Matteo’s oversized headphones anyway. Closing his eyes he lets out a long, shivering breath, and Matteo has to fight the urge to touch him. David is obviously stressed and scared out of his mind, and Matteo wants nothing more than to comfort him. But he knows from his own experience that panic attacks don’t go away when someone hugs you, on the contrary.

 

Eventually, Matteo sits down on the grass, still carefully watching David for any signs of the panic getting worse again. But David is just standing there, breathing deeply with his eyes closed and his head leaned against the letterboxes. Matteo starts pulling out blades of grass while waiting, his mind racing to try and find an explanation what caused David to panic like that. Maybe he almost suffocated once and therefore hates to feel pressure on his chest? Or maybe it’s an injury that still hurts?

 

Whatever it is, Matteo doesn’t care, he just hopes David will forgive him for overstepping like that. Sure, Matteo couldn’t have known, but he still hates the idea of hurting David. This boy has made him feel things he was sure he’d never feel, and Matteo is terrified of losing him.

 

After a while, David steps forward, blinking a few times before looking at Matteo with the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. Matteo smiles back but doesn’t move, waiting for David to decide how close he wants to get.

 

David hesitates for a moment, but then he pushes the headphones off his ears his head and points to Matteo’s house. “Can we… uh, talk inside?” he asks, his voice small and scared.

 

“We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” Matteo says, holding David’s gaze to make sure he knows Matteo is serious. “If you need time, it’s okay.”

 

Now David is really smiling, albeit hesitantly. “I’m fine. Plus it’s too fucking freezing out here,” he says, sounding almost like his usual, confident self again.

 

“Alright,” Matteo says then, getting to his feet. He makes sure not to bump into David on his way past him and digs out his keys from his pocket. “I’ll make us some disgusting cheese toast if you want?”

David huffs out a soft laugh as he follows Matteo into the building. “Nah, I’m good.”

 

Matteo is itching to ask if David is okay, but again, his own experience with panic attacks stops him. After calming down, all Matteo wants is to be left alone and sleep for a day. Which is why Matteo is really surprised that David still wants to talk to him.

 

When they get to Matteo’s room, Matteo flops down onto his bed right away, leaving it up to David to decide whether to sit down as well or not. David eyes Matteo hesitantly for a few moments before taking off his coat and scarf and placing both on the chair next to Matteo’s desk. Matteo shrugs off his jacket  and drops it on the floor, and just when he’s about to ask if David wants to listen to some music, David clears his throat.

 

“Matteo…” he begins and Matteo almost gasps. David has never called him by his name before. The fact that he does it now makes Matteo even more nervous than he already is.

 

David takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, visibly fighting to stay calm. He swallows hard a few times, shaking his head every time as if he were forming sentences in his head but hating every single one of them. Matteo just waits because that,too is something he's familiar with. The longer he watches David the more affection he feels for him. For the longest time, Matteo thought he was never going to find anyone who understands how the world is sometimes just too much and that disappearing seems like the only viable option. David most certainly knows that feeling, that much is clear. From all their conversations and now this moment, Matteo has gathered that he and David are kindred spirits in at least one way.

 

Suddenly, David clears his throat and Matteo blinks, unsure what to expect. He most certainly didn't expect David to spit out an angry: “Aren't you gonna ask?”

 

Matteo stares at him, completely flabbergasted. “Ask what?” he mumbles eventually,  frowning at David.

 

David throws up his hands in the air with an exasperated sigh. “Why I'm acting like this, why I'm whimpering and shaking like a fucking _girl_? What's wrong with you, why don't you wonder why I'm such a wuss?”

 

He's all but yelling now and Matteo sits up a little straighter. His heart is beating a mile a minute but all he  can think is that he wants to reassure Davis as best as possible.

 

“No, I wasn't going to ask that “ Matteo states calmly, making sure David is looking him in the eye before he goes on. “I have panic attacks too, so if anything, I feel relieved right now. It's good to know I'm not the only guy who has them.”

 

Matteo hadn't planned on saying that he hates being the only _guy_ he's ever heard of who has panic attacks. But unfortunately,  it's true. From his family and the society he lives in, Matteo has learned that men are supposed to be tough and not show too much emotion. But Matteo feels the opposite of tough when he's panicking. And lately, he's been wanting to say all kinds of corny stuff to David, to let him know how he feels about him. Yet, he still can't shake the feeling that something's wrong with him for being like this, soft and fragile, and only tough in some instances.

 

“I'm not, though.”

 

David's voice is so low Matteo hardly hears it and since he got lost on his own thoughts, he has no idea what David means.

 

“You're not what?” Matteo asks, frowning again. David rolls his eyes and then covers his face with both hands.

 

“I'm not a guy. Not a real one anyway.”

 

The words are barely audible from behind David's palms but Matteo hears them loud and clear. His breath catches in his throat and suddenly it all begins to make sense. The way David pushed Matteo off every time he got too close to his chest, how David didn't like to be hugged too close, how he challenged Matteo every time Matteo said something stereotypical about the differences between guys and girls. And of course the remarks David just made about “shaking like a girl” and not being a real guy...

 

But Matteo doesn't want to assume, so he clears his throat and says as calmly as he can: “You're one of the most real guys I've ever met so why do you say that?”

 

With another deep sigh, David takes his hands away from his face and Matteo is shocked to see tears running down David's cheeks.

 

“I'm trans, Matteo.”

 

“So?” Matteo blurts out without missing a beat. A part of him is just immensely relieved that David didn’t tell him he doesn’t want to be with him. The rest of him is wondering why David being trans should change anything about how Matteo feels about him.

 

“So?” David repeats incredulously, staring at Matteo as if he were an alien.

 

“Yeah.” Matteo affirms, holding David’s gaze. “You’re still a real guy. And you’re still the only person in the world who somehow gets me without words.”

 

Matteo smiles awkwardly at David. He doesn’t usually talk about his feelings like this, but with David, everything is different. Plus, David just trusted him with something Matteo guesses not many people know, so Matteo sees no reason not to do the same.

 

For a long moment, neither of them speaks. David is still staring at Matteo, silent tears still spilling from his eyes every now and then. Matteo wants to wipe them away but he also doesn’t want to scare David. Hesitantly, he gets up from the bed and approaches David, trying to keep smiling at him although he feels tears welling up behind his own eyes.

 

_How much are you hurting? What the fuck can I do to stop it?_

 

Matteo asks those questions with his eyes, and when he and David are face to face, he’s relieved to notice that David isn’t quite as pale anymore.

 

“You…” David croaks finally, sounding so broken and vulnerable it makes Matteo’s heart hurt. “You’re not… an idiot, I can’t believe it,” David finally goes on, making both of them chuckle shortly.

 

“Thanks,” Matteo breathes and then finally dares to touch David again. He carefully brushes David’s hand with his own, and when David doesn’t move away, he laces their fingers together. Squeezing gently, he looks up and waits for David to meet his eyes.

 

“You’re not an idiot either,” he whispers then, leaning his forehead against David’s. Huffing out a soundless laugh, David smiles that beautiful smile of his and closes his eyes. Matteo gently cups the side of David’s face with one hand, his thumb caressing David’s cheek. For a while they just stand like this, their hands linked and their noses brushing every time one of them takes a deep breath.

 

“And by the way, you really  _are_ a real guy,” Matteo says then, moving his head back and opening his eyes to look at David. He’s suddenly worried that David will think Matteo feels attracted to him because he sees David as a woman, although nothing could be further from the truth. The doubtful, pained expression on David’s face confirms that assumption, so Matteo clears his throat and leans their foreheads together again, trying to find the right words.

 

From the day he met David, Matteo hasn’t doubted that David is a man, and he’s not about to start now. Matteo fell for David precisely because he is nothing like a woman.

 

“No one has the right to say you’re not a man, okay? Not even you,” Matteo finally says. There’s a whole lot of other stuff, much cheesier shit floating around in his head, but he can’t bring himself to say it, not yet. David purses his lips and nods curtly, closing his eyes again. Matteo does the same, tracing David’s cheekbone with his nose and pressing a kiss to David’s forehead.

 

Suddenly, Matteo feels David’s hand on his shoulder. He opens his eyes again to find David looking at him with a mix of disbelief and wonder. That gorgeous half-smile is still tugging at David’s mouth, and Matteo returns it automatically.

 

“Thank you,” David murmurs then, his thumb hesitantly caressing Matteo’s shoulder.

 

Instead of replying, Matteo leans in, stopping halfway to check if David is moving away. However, David gives a tiny nod, still smiling slightly. So Matteo gently presses his lips to David’s. He kisses him slowly, but purposefully, only moving his hand to David’s waist when he feels David’s arm sliding around his shoulders.

 

When they break apart, David is smiling again, eyes still closed. _Fuck he’s so handsome_ , Matteo catches himself thinking, and just then, he decides to tell him.

 

“You look good today,” he whispers against David’s lips, his fingers caressing David’s neck. David’s smile grows even wider at that and he leans their foreheads together again.

 

They lie down on Matteo’s bed eventually, facing each other, just like last Saturday. David sighs deeply and then closes his eyes, obviously exhausted. Matteo just lies next to him, playing with David’s hair and caressing his neck and shoulders. And while David drifts off to sleep, Matteo thinks that whatever comes next, he’s glad David is still here. No matter what happens, they will face it together.

  
  
  
  



End file.
